You Take the Good, You Take the Bad

You take them both and there you have . . .

The Oscar Dresses!

Yeah, I know. Another lame lede. And now I can't get the darn song out of my head. But at least it's replaced the Rent medley that's been stuck in there for three days.

Okay, where were we?

Yes---the dresses. And, yes, I know it's unfair and probably sexist that the women get subjected to such intense scrutiny, but there just isn't that much to say about the men. You have to work very hard---or be Tim Burton---to screw up a tux. Any man---except Tim Burton---and maybe Johnny Depp---looks good in a tux. And, well, these women are both highly paid and genetically blessed. If they can't show up looking at least passably pretty, then they have no one but themselves to blame when they get criticized.

But, in the spirit of celebrating womanhood, let's start with the good.

Reese. Does Reese ever look bad? I mean really. I read the tabloids. I see the pictures of her running her kids to school or having a post-gym coffee. And she never looks bad. Dunst, Gyllenhaal, Olsen Twins---You have no excuse for the crimes of fashion you commit on a daily basis. Reese has two kids and a successful film career and she still manages to dress in matching clothes that fit her and even brushes her hair. So am I at all surprised that she looked fabulous at the Oscars? No, I am not.

My other favorite from the red carpet is another perennially stylish woman: Jada Pinkett Smith. I love the blue. I love the style. I covet her arms.

Honorable mentions go to the beautiful and fabulous Queen Latifah; the hit-or-miss but this time a hit Salma Hayek, who was also rocking the blue; and Ziyi Zhang, who I really think would look good in a paper sack but still makes the effort to find a gorgeous dress.

And, well, that's about it for the well-dressed gals. The rest of you? Seriously. You have money. You have good genes. You have a small army of people who exist solely to make you look good. And you have about 80 years of red carpet history from which you should have learned. What is your excuse?

Let's start with Naomi Watts. Because I think that she needs to ask Santa to bring her a mirror. She took color coordination to a whole new and very bad level: her hair, skin, and dress all match. She wasn't the only one. There was a definite trend of pale women wearing equally pale dresses. Nicole Kidman looked like the Corpse Bride. But Naomi took bad one step further by balling up the discarded fabric from the dress fittings and pasting it to her chest. So it was both an ugly dress and an unflattering color.

Next: Kiera Knightley. She also represents an ugly trend that must die: Pretty young girls dressing 20 years older than their age. Kiera, sweetie, you are a pretty young girl. So why are you wearing Melanie Griffith's dress from 1987? And your hairdresser. Needs to be fired. That hair color. Not so good on you.

Charlize Theron has been widely discussed (The bow! The bow!), so we'll move on to Amy Adams. Where do I start? The garish color? The awful stripes? The weird cut? How about that thing on the back that looks like she stuck a Hefty lawn bag to her butt?

And Catherine Keener. Do you get the feeling that she forgot that she had to go to the Oscars? And that she sort of rolled out of bed, rushed over to David's Bridal, picked something off the clearance rack, and changed in the limo.

Finally, for any aspiring starlets, I'd like to offer a lesson in color:

Good Yellow

Bad Yellow