Fourth and Fifth Thoughts
And now for the latest round of "Am I Doing the Right Thing?"
I'm interested in anthropology. And I was excited enough about the program to go through the whole application process---begging for recommendations, digging up writing samples, taking the GRE. I actually managed to get into a program at a good school. I've given my notice at work; I've put a deposit on an apartment in Madison.
So why am I still thinking, Maybe I should go to library school instead?
Finding out that I was a borderline candidate hasn't help get rid of the niggling doubts. I spoke with my advisor earlier this week, and apparently I barely made it into the program and was admitted primarly because they have a new faculty member who specializes in Malawi and I spent a year there. The advisor wasn't trying to be mean---I don't think. She was being candid and trying to help me by letting me know where I stand and what I need to do to catch up with my classmates, namely, reading ahead over the summer. But the conversation brought to the front a whole bunch of nagging thoughts: Have I really thought this through? Is this really what I want to do? Am I in denial about what I really want? Or is the alternative just a "safe" escape from what I want but find too scary and intimidating? Is this going to be a $50,000 mistake?
Part of it, too, is probably stress about the move. Staying put would just be so much easier. I wouldn't have to worry about finding someone to help me move or worry about whether my car is up to hauling a trailer across a half dozen states or go into massive debt just trying to get from here to there. The move is really just starting to wear on me and the first, little one is still a week away. The big one is two months away!
I wish I felt more certain about all this---that I felt confident that I am doing the right thing. Why can't life come with a map and a handy guide?