Conspiracy Theories

Forget about electronic voting machines and double-crossing Iraqi politicians (is anyone really surprised?). Here are the stories someone should be investigating:

Prozac and the South Beach Diet
Studies have shown that carbohydrates produce feel-good chemicals in our brains. And they make an appearance in just about every food worth eating. So what better way to boost sales of anti-depressants than to sell the country on a diet that reduces our endorphins and eliminates all our favorite comfort foods?

Bush and Nader
C'mon. Does anyone over the age of twenty who isn't stoned really think Nader has a chance? Does Nader even think he has a chance? Presidential campaigns aren't cheap, and donors don't exactly flock to perpetual losers. How does Nader find the funds to keep running? And it's not like Bush to let a few election laws keep him from his throne.

Network Television and OPEC
There are only two shows worth watching on television, and even those are about to go into summer repeats. So how to keep those ever important Nielson eyeballs? Drive up the price of gas so no one can afford to leave home and discover that in reality attractive women don't go out with average Joes and marginally talented teenagers flip burgers instead of signing record contracts.

Peter Angelos, George Steinbrenner, and Satan
Evil things are brewing with this unholy trinity. Mark my words.